…I don’t have much time, work is plenty, 24 has 8 season and some change, and the weekend is only so long.


The following takes place between 8:29 PM and 9:29 PM

[Phone rings…]

Jack: “Bauer.”

Amy: “Hi, you’ve reached Ping networks, my name is Amy, how can I help you?”

Jack: “Amy, listen carefully because I will say this only once. I received the latest bill and it is precisely 2 dollars and 24 cents over what I was expecting.”

Amy: “I’ll be happy to help you Mr. er…”

Jack: “Bauer.”

Amy: “Mr. Bauer. I understand that you were billed more than expected?”

Jack: “2 dollars and 24 cents. Repeat 2 dollars and 24 cents.”

Amy: “I see. Well the amount you mentioned is showing up on your bill due to a purchase made through your TV, sir. It shows that on October 10th at 8:23 PM you made a purchase of 2.24 $”

Jack: “That’s impossible! I wasn’t even home on that day, I was on the Afghan border with New Zealand digging up a finger of a known terrorist which I was supposed to transfer to Chloe over at CTU Los Angeles in order to prove that the President of Bhutan was involved in an attack on US soil.”

Amy: “O… kay… that doesn’t make much sense.”

Jack: “It makes perfect sense! I saw him carry out the attack but couldn’t do anything about it because he had me hanging by my left testicle from a crane while Alligators were snapping their jaws three feet away from my face.”

Amy: “I… uh… I meant that Afghanistan doesn’t have a border with New Zealand.”

Jack: “They’d have you believe that. Listen to me very carefully now Amy, because your life might depend on it. I did not make that purchase. I suspect it might be the Bhutanese delegate to the peace talks with the Ukraine that made that purchase in order to overcharge me.”

Amy: “Why would he do that?”

Jack: “I don’t know but I’m gonna need your help Amy. Patch me over to your supervisor.”


[beep bop Boop Ring…]

Joe: “This is Joe, who may I have the pleasure of assisting today?”

Jack: “You don’t know me, my name is Jack Bauer and unless you do exactly as I say you may find yourself in enough pain to convince a social security officer to let you cut in line.”

Joe: “Please Jack, I’ll do whatever you say.”

Jack: “A purchase was made on my TV for precisely 2 dollars and 24 cent, I repeat…”

Joe: “No need to repeat sir I…”

Jack: “Don’t ever interrupt me again when I repeat, I repeat don’t ever interrupt me again when I repeat, do you copy?”


Jack: “Joe! are you still there?”

Joe: “Yes sir, may I interrupt?”

Jack: “Go ahead.”

Joe: “Mr. Bauer, as a show of good faith and our hope that you’d continue to be a customer at Ping networks, I am going to remove that charge off of your recent bill sir.”

Jack: “You’re gonna do what!?”

Joe: “I’m going to…”

Jack: “I heard you the first time, that was just a trick to see if you’d repeat that information again. Now, how do I know I can trust you Joe?”

Joe: “Sir?”

Jack: “How to I know you’re not just setting me up on some trumped-up fraud charges?”

Joe: “Sir, I don’t understand…”

Jack: “You understand. I can’t let you take this charge off  of this bill. You put me in a corner here Joe and you’re going to regret ever trying to screw me, do you understand?”

Joe: “Sir, there’s no need to make threats…”

Jack: “That’s not a threat Joe, that’s a fact! I’m going to need the schematics to your facility patched over to my PDA now!”

Joe: “What for?”

Jack: “I’ll explain later, just do it!”

[beeps, pings, sounds]

Joe: “You should have it sir.”

Jack: “How did you know where to send it Joe? Are you in with the Bhutanese?”

Joe: “Sir?”

Jack: “I’ll cut you a deal Joe. Immunity for all the information you have on the Bhutanese president. Now this is your last chance. Do we have a deal?”

Joe: “Sir?”

[Call ends]


Joe: “Hey! Who are you? How did you get in here? and what is that smell?”

Jack: “You sent me the schematics, remember? I crawled in through the sewer system. What kind of amateur operation are you running here?”

Joe: “Why didn’t you come through the lobby though?”

Jack: “I’m not as stupid as you might think. Now give up the Bhutanese president.”

Joe: “Mpphh…”

Jack: “I’m going to release the hold just enough for you to speak, now where is the Bhutanese president?”

Joe: “I don’t know, I don’t know anything about this.”

Jack: “I don’t have time to take you to CTU and question you so I’m going to ask you this one last time?”

Joe: “You said that the last time…”

Jack [Shoots Joe’s left knee]: “That was just a warning shot, now tell me what I need to know!”

Joe: “Alright! Alright… you got me. I’m the Bhutanese president. I’ve been working for Ping networks for the last 15 months trying to go under your radar.”

Jack: “Well, your rookie mistake with the 2 dollars and 24 cents blew your cover. You really thought I wouldn’t notice?”

Bhutanese president: “Let’s make a deal Jack, I can give you something bigger. But I want immunity Jack, you hear?”

Jack: “Speak.”

Bhutanese president: “I’ll give you the Danish assassin who murdered the undercover clown. He’s working at a bakery not far from here making strudel.”

Jack: “I hate strudel.”

Bhutanese president: “Well, who doesn’t? The point is… you let me go and I’ll lead you straight to him.”

Jack: “I need to make a phone call.”



Jack: “Patch me through to the president.”

President Bronson: “Yes Jack, what is it now?”

Jack: “Are we on a secure line?”

President Bronson: “Yes Jack.”

Jack: “Mr. President, I’m sorry to bother you sir but it’s a matter of national security and there are many American lives on the line. I need you to meet me at an address I will give you in a minute.”

President Bronson: “Alright, I trust you.”

[call ends]


[At the bakery]

Jack: “Mr. president, are you alone?”

President Bronson: “Yes, what is it this time?”

Jack: “It’s the strudel Mr. president. You’ve never had strudel as good as that one I guarantee it!”

President Bronson: “Oh Jack, you outdid yourself this time. You saved me Jack. You saved me.”

Jack: “Sir?”

President Bronson: “The first lady wanted to start a ‘Homeland’ marathon. Jack… I don’t even have HBO. That’s one call I wasn’t looking forward to make. Thank god for Jack Bauer.”


[Jack’s phone rings]

Jack: “Bauer!”

Chloe: “Jack, this is Chloe.”

Jack: “Are you tracing this call?”

Chloe: “No. why would I do that? Listen Jack, you’ve gone completely off topic. You started off with some bogus bill, then railed off on a tirade about the Bhutanese president. Jack, Bhutan is a monarchy.”

Jack: “So the president fooled us.”

Chloe: “He’s a king Jack. Kings rule in a monarchy.”

Jack: “Mr. president, we’re going to have to skip this strudel after all.”

President Bronson: “What do I tell the first lady?”

Jack: “Chloe are you still with us?”

Chloe: “Yes Jack, but you still don’t get it. How did you get from a surcharge of 2.24$ to strudels with President Bronson!? And your clocks are all messed up, this was supposed to be between 8:29 PM and 9:29 PM Jack.”

Jack: “Chloe, I want you to do exactly as I say. Please head directly over to the white house, Agent Piece will wait for you and sneak you in. When you’re in position, I want you to hack into Ping network database and make sure that President Bronson has HBO. Call me when you’re done.”

Chloe: “Jack, that makes no sense, He could just…”

Jack: “Just do it Chloe. Do it for me.”

Chloe: “Alright Jack.”

Jack: “Mr. president. Your strudel sir.”

President Bronson: “Hmm… that IS the best strudel I ever had Jack. But you know what that means Jack.”

Jack: “Yes sir, for the best of the country I’m going to have to disappear with as many strudels as possible and over the next 6 months I’ll keep them hidden in an underground bunker just off the border of Turkmenistan, where I will grow a beard and help a local woman with her sheep. I won’t contact Kim, as I don’t want to put her in danger of gaining weight, eating too many strudels. You have my word, sir.”

President Bronson: “Actually, I meant that we’re gonna have to bring some back for the first lady when we’re done. Not to mention Mike Novik. Can he wolf down a strudel he he he.”

Jack: “But… the American people.”

President Bronson: “Nahhh, Jack. Think about it. We don’t have enough for all of them.”


You can patch this through Facebook, twitter or any other social media outlets, just make sure the line is secure with a V400 CTU protocol. If you like it, Jack will know! If you want to leave a comment, go ahead, repeat – go ahead!

This is Bauer out.

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